Should I write this blog?

I had to think long and hard about writing this blog and about going public with the information that I am a Generation X, Schizo Affective with a Personality Disorders and complex emotinal difficulties among other things, to write and share my experiences as I was concerned that people would think that I am weak minded, Disturbed, Broken , even off my head therefore leaving me open to ridicule, manipulation or even blackmail, most of my life I have kept it a secret that I have had this and never told another living sole, i have now reached an age and been through enough to know that I do not give a shit what anyone thinks of me now, I have worked with and met many people in my time and for the most part I have just let people think what they wanted about me and the way I dealt with the world around me whether that meant they thought I was a miserable bad tempered git with an attitude problem or a really nice personable chap who seems to get on well with everyone and would do anything for anyone, or whatever, and I am sure that there will be many people who will find this blog and read it who could probably come up with some more colourful examples of what they think and or have thought of me over the years, However I think that people should not get confused as these conditions can be very complex in nature and the term mental illness strikes fear and dread into the hearts of loved ones, friends, potential employers and colleagues alike, in fact almost everyone who encounters someone who says they have a mental illness stops them in there tracks people just do not know how to deal with it at all some will talk to you like you are a foreigner from a different land or even a traveller from a different world, some do not know how to talk to you at all some think Hmm, It’s put on, I could use this to my advantage, and some think, 'Oh god, he will rip off his pants, put them on his head and run around the room naked, making duck noises,' or 'He thinks he is Elvis or something’ (which in some cases has been known to happen), although not with me, thankfully, well, not yet anyway. This disorder manifests itself in many different ways every second of every waking moment of my life, but that does not mean that I am weak-minded, foolish, stupid, ignorant or in any way open to abuse. It is what makes me who I am; it is and always will be a part of me, and in my case, at least, it gives me the ability to completely detach myself from my feelings, which is not a good thing and has, in hindsight, been the end or at least played a part in the end of many relationships. In a relationship, it leads to one being told that you are heartless, thoughtless, inconsiderate, cold or even, on occasion, evil and narcissistic. When I am in an argument for which there are triggers, often this will all become true, and all those feelings surface, and that all gets put into one defensive and then offensive wall of hate. Mix that with a sudden overdose of adrenaline, which your body produces in abundance in situations like these, and it truly is a recipe for disaster. If you add alcohol to this equation, needless to say, someone is most likely to get hurt.

I think it is very important for anyone reading this to note that this aggressive state is not one which I am in often. The majority of the time I am a calm, considerate, rational, caring, thoughtful, organised, generous and understanding person, I can be withdrawn sometimes even to the point of reclusive on occasions, I do not have a sense of humour to talk of and I can be a bit OCD about some thing's especially hygiene which is odd because personal hygiene is often forgotten about unless reminded and you should also understand that I would not “now” be able to deal with these conditions without the aid of medication and I must stress that it is my choice that I do not take anti hallucinagenic medication etc, and that what I do does not work for everyone and to be honest does not always work for me but I am a firm believer that the drugs that are prescribed today however much they have advanced in the last 25 years still change the chemistry of the brain which in turn will undoubtedly have an effect on who you are and how you react which can for some be a good thing but it is not for me so I have had to find other options and approach my mental health from a gen X point of view and that starts with me and my inner strength all that hate and anger give me, I had learnt to use my emotions and turn them into useful tools in my arsenal of weapons against these conditionsd which although it has its dark side as described above did have it’s good points too.

However, I found that after both my parents died within 5 weeks of each other, I discovered how broken I really was and that what was left of my family decided to disown me completely – I have not heard a single thing from any of them in over 8 years – this had a profound effect upon my emotions; I stopped having them altogether. I no longer had that hate or pain to draw upon; now there was a void, an unfathomable emptiness that no written words would ever be able to describe. So this is where you join me on my journey. This blog will go into details of what I think about the world around me and how I deal with it, along with some more details of what I do to cope not only with the mental health but also with the physical conditions which have arisen from years of bad choices and substance abuse, mainly alcohol.

So please stay tuned, and help support my website, not me, just my website, even if that is just a note or a share on social media, especially if you have found this useful. Thank you.

(I will go into more detail about the triggers in another blog; comments will come online at a later date but you can message me via my contacts page.)